I was chatting with some friends the other evening, and the subject of negative self-talk came up. We all agreed it was vile–each of us had our own particular way of ripping ourselves to shreds with mental tongue lashings–yet none of us had ever come up with a way to stop. Why are we so kind to others, yet so quick to viciously chastise ourselves.
One wise friend spoke: We forget who we are.
I’ve been thinking about that ever since. I think she’s right, and I have been considering the implications. Who am I, after all?
It’s way too easy to jump to the “I’m a child of the most high God!” response. It’s what popped into my head immediately. But if that is my truth–if I am genuinely the child of the utmost being, the creator of all, the ultimate in purity and truth–then how is it possible for the filth I spew about myself to come to quickly, so flippantly to my mind and my lips.
I don’t think I’ve forgotten who I am. I wonder if I’ve ever genuinely believed it.
I’m crying as I write this, because there is no one to fix this other than myself. God has done everything–not only has He suffered and died for my sins, He has made a way over and over again for me to connect and be loved by Him. Lamentations 3:22-23 says:
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” He provides for me, He soothes my fevered brow. He loves me.
Who am I? I am a broken child. I see only the dimmest glimmer of who I will become when I truly, genuinely, sincerely grasp His love for me and the treasured place I hold in His heart. When I think about the things I say to His child–to me–I am ashamed. I wince at the vitriol that spews from that dark corner of my soul, the poison that has yet to be expunged by His Spirit. I am a broken child.
Forgive me, Father. I am truly sorry for the wicked words I use against the child You purchased. They are a gun, a whip, a knife to my soul. Help me to understand and accept who I am so that I never forget it. Great is Your faithfulness, and I am humbled by Your patient love.
I am not who I say I am. I am who You say I am. I really am the child of the most high God. I am worthy, I am loved. I am Yours.